Relational trauma often ties into attachment, which refers to how we first learned to connect with others—usually through our caregivers. If those early connections were unstable, unsafe, or confusing, we may develop insecure attachment patterns that affect our adult relationships, even if we can’t quite explain why.
What is Relational Trauma and Why Does it Matter?
Relational trauma happens when the people we depended on for safety, love, or connection—especially early in life—were also the ones who hurt, ignored, or overwhelmed us. It’s not always about one big event. Often, it’s the repeated, subtle experiences of emotional neglect, criticism, unpredictability, or a lack of safety in close relationships.
This kind of trauma can shape the way we see ourselves and others. It can show up as:
Feeling unsafe or anxious in relationships
Struggling with boundaries or people-pleasing
Deep fear of abandonment or rejection
Shutting down or feeling numb when things get emotional
A harsh inner critic that never seems satisfied
A lingering sense of “something’s wrong with me”
In Your Body & Daily Life
A nervous system that’s always in overdrive (racing thoughts, tension, restlessness)
Shutting down, zoning out, or going numb during conflict or stress
Chronic anxiety or a sense of being constantly on guard
Fatigue, digestive issues, or body pain with no clear medical explanation
Trouble sleeping or relaxing, even when you’re safe
These signs aren’t a reflection of who you are—they’re reflections of what you’ve been through. These patterns were adaptive, protective, and often invisible. Therapy can help you understand them with compassion, gently unwind what no longer serves you, and rebuild a deeper sense of safety and connection—both with yourself and with others.
You are not broken. You’re carrying stories that deserve to be held with care.
Signs You Might Be Living With Relational Trauma
A Gentle Guide to Understanding the Patterns That Protected You.
Relational trauma doesn’t always come from one big, obvious event. Often, it’s the quiet, chronic experiences—being emotionally dismissed, walking on eggshells, not feeling seen or safe in your closest relationships—that leave the deepest marks. You may not have had the words for it, but your body, your patterns, and your relationships have been trying to tell the story.
Here are some common signs that relational trauma may be impacting your life:
Emotionally & Mentally
A deep, persistent feeling of being “too much” or “not enough”
Difficulty trusting your own feelings or decisions
A strong inner critic or constant self-blame
Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from yourself
Shame that seems to live in your body, even when you don’t know why
In Relationships
Fear of being abandoned, rejected, or misunderstood
People-pleasing or losing yourself to keep others close
Feeling anxious or on edge in close relationships—even the “good” ones
Struggling to set boundaries or express needs
Attracting emotionally unavailable or unpredictable partners
Difficulty trusting, even when you want to feel close
Attachment Styles and How They Develop
Understanding the Blueprint Behind Your Relationships
Our earliest relationships shape the way we connect with others—and with ourselves. This is the heart of attachment theory: the idea that how we were cared for (or not cared for) in childhood influences the way we experience closeness, trust, and safety as adults.
Attachment styles aren’t labels or fixed identities. They’re adaptive patterns your nervous system learned to help you survive and stay connected. And the good news? These patterns can shift and heal, especially in safe, consistent relationships—including the one we build in therapy.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
“I can rely on others, and they can rely on me.”
Develops when a caregiver is consistently responsive and attuned. As adults, securely attached people tend to trust others, feel confident in relationships, and handle conflict without losing connection.
Anxious Attachment
“Will you leave me? Am I too much?”
Develops when a caregiver is inconsistently available—sometimes attentive, sometimes distant. This can lead to craving closeness but fearing abandonment. You might find yourself overanalyzing, people-pleasing, or needing constant reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment
“I can’t rely on others, so I’ll take care of myself.”
Develops when emotional needs were often met with rejection, criticism, or neglect. As a protective strategy, avoidantly attached people may shut down emotionally, avoid vulnerability, or struggle to ask for help.
Disorganized Attachment
“I want closeness—but it feels unsafe.”
Often develops in chaotic or frightening environments where a caregiver was both a source of comfort and fear. It can lead to intense inner conflict, pushing others away while desperately wanting connection.
Why This Matters in Therapy
You’re not “too sensitive,” “needy,” or “emotionally distant.” You learned what connection felt like early on—and your nervous system did what it had to do. Therapy offers a safe space to explore these patterns, understand their roots, and gently build new ways of relating—with others and with yourself.
Healing starts with awareness. Growth begins with compassion.
Podcast or Book Recommendations
Books
The Body keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk
The Myth of Normal - By Gabor Mate & Daniel Mate
Attached - By Amir Levine, M.D., & Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
Daring Greatly - Brene Brown
Podcasts
Trauma Rewired - By Jennifer Wallace
The Selfish Latina - By Denise Soler Cox
IFS Talks - Anibal Henriques, Tisha Shull & Alexia Rothman
Therapy FAQ / What to Expect
What’s it like to begin therapy for relational trauma?
Starting therapy—especially for relational trauma—can feel both hopeful and daunting. It’s completely normal to have questions or uncertainties about what this process will look like. Our work together is designed to be slow, safe, and collaborative. Healing from relational trauma doesn’t happen all at once, and that’s okay. There’s no rush, no pressure to “go deep” right away. We move at a pace that honors your nervous system and your capacity.
What happens in a typical session?
Each session is shaped around you—your needs, your experience that day, and the themes that arise over time. Sessions are usually 50 minutes long, and may include:
Talking through thoughts, feelings, or patterns that are showing up in your life or relationships
Somatic (body-based) awareness, where we gently pay attention to sensations, tension, or inner signals that help us understand what your body is holding
Parts work (IFS-informed) to explore the different “parts” of you that may have conflicting needs or protective strategies
Attachment-based reflections, especially if your early relationships shaped how you show up in connection now
Trauma-informed grounding, so you leave each session feeling safe, settled, and not overwhelmed
Do I have to talk about my past right away?
Not at all. In fact, sometimes the most powerful work happens by not diving straight into painful memories. We might start with understanding how you relate to others now, or noticing what feels hard or confusing in everyday interactions. Building trust—both with me and within yourself—is the foundation for deeper healing. We go there when it feels right, not before.
What if I’m not sure what I need?
That’s okay. Many people come into therapy feeling unsure or stuck. You don’t need to have the “right” words or a clear goal. Therapy can help you get curious about yourself, and together, we’ll make sense of what’s coming up. This is a space for exploration—not perfection
Lets connect
I’m excited to connect with you! You can email or leave me a voicemail to set up a session or consultation.
ileana.therapy@gmail.com
(512) 693-9004